My Imperfection

It's been almost a month since I last posted here. I haven't had much time to write down my thoughts about life. Lately I've been thinking about a certain topic: my imperfection. I'm not sure how many other people think the same way I do about being perfect. My imperfection is something that really gets to my head, and it can make me feel so ashamed at times. Many times, I've felt like I want to bury my head underneath my blankets. Many times I have wished there was someone to take my place in the real world. I get so frustrated with myself when I feel this way. Mistakes are meant to be made.

I don't often take comments about my mistakes well. My best friends and my piano tutor know how to offer me constructive criticism, but when it comes to my family, I think they don't understand how much their small comments bother me so much. This isn't exactly my family's fault. It's my fault. I'm so obsessed with trying to be perfect. I'm so obsessed with trying to be someone I'm not. I've stated before that we can't be perfect, and I know this. However, I can't seem to figure out how to deal with these mistakes. All they do is play over and over again in my head. I was writing the song the other day...it's still unfinished, but it goes like this:

Where was I when all of this began?
Did it start with a shred of heartbreak?
But then, where did this heartbreak start?
I feel like I'm missing,
like I'm lost in a puddle of my thoughts.
How did I wander onto a road
with a blizzard beating against me?
My yesterdays return to me through the whites flakes
and bite me with its icy teeth for my simple mistakes.
Is there a break in the clouds?
How about someone to wipe away my memory,
my memory of my painful yesterday?

Can anyone help me to forget?
Can anyone help me to remember?
I need a gentle hand to lift a smile on my face.

(Chorus)

Help me to forget my simple mistakes.
Help me to remember the warmth of my Father.
Show me the gentle hand of the Savior.
I'm tired of remembering,
but I'm more tired of forgetting.

That's all I have so far for this song, but it's really how I've been thinking. My simple mistakes, my imperfection are like the puddle of my thoughts. In all my remembering of my mistakes, I forget the warmth of my Father. My thoughts forget to remember God through all the turmoil it faces. I think I've been doing better at trying to remember. I really want to grow more. I want to grow out of focusing on my mistakes. What I need to do with my mistakes is acknowledge them and learn from them, and then let them roll off my shoulders. I don't think God intended for us to keep the load of all of our mistakes (no matter how large or small) on our shoulders. Wouldn't we be crushed if that were the case?

My imperfection is a learning process. It's a movement of growth. I need to remember that I am imperfect, that's the fact. Also, I need to remember that it's not my opinion or anyone else's opinion of myself that matters... Ultimately, it's only God's opinion of me that matters. So I'm learning just like everyone else is. Again, I'm not sure how many other people take imperfection to the level I do. Maybe others don't show it well. Maybe I don't show it well either. Life's full of crazy twists and turns, but if I can just remember God in my day, I think I can learn to not get so weary.